*Trigger Warning* : Sensitive Mental Health Topics
Today was a tough day.
Most of my days are great days, but some days, like today, lower vibrational emotions come up… doubts come up, fears come up, disbelief comes up, and I’ve learned at this point that days like these truly are part of the process of healing, manifesting, and becoming my ideal self. No one said it would be easy.
I’ve also learned, and am still learning and will probably forever be learning, how to manage these darker days. But it got me thinking back to when my mental health was totally in the shitter and I wanted to talk about it.
I used to be an incredibly anxious and depressed person. For those of you that know me or follow me, that may come as a bit of a surprise, because I am such a joyful life-loving individual now (98% of the time anyways :) ).
I know that so many of us these days are struggling with our mental health, and I feel very strongly that in order to remove the stigma around mental health struggles we need to talk about them more openly. We aren’t alone in the fight.
And I’ll say it right now, if you ever need someone to talk to, please never hesitate to reach out. I am here to support you in whatever ways I can, and asking for help when you need it is one of the most courageous and respectable things I feel you could ever do.
But in full transparency, I used to suffer from panic attacks that were absolutely debilitating. I used to suffer from depression to the point where I would fantasize about deliberately crashing my car just to escape the way I was feeling. And I’m so sorry if that is triggering for any of you, but it’s my truth and I want to share it because I know I am not alone when it comes to having dark thoughts.
I remember collapsing and laying on the floor in my college apartment during one particularly terrible episode.
I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t see, I couldn’t think.
My nervous system was overwhelmed and it was shutting down.
It was one of the worst experiences of my life.
In that moment I felt like I had no control over my body, my mind, or my emotions. I was totally helpless and had no clear path out of it. It was like I was a prisoner in my own skin.
Looking back on it now, it feels like a dream. That version of me feels so far away vibrationally it’s hard to believe we shared the same body. But that darkness has truly been the greatest catalyst and motivator in my life, and if you have been or are currently going through the darkness, it's for a reason.
Rock-bottoms are a blessing. Every single one, every single time.
Of course it won’t feel like that when you’re in it, but I’ve learned that rock bottoms are your SOUL’S way of recalibrating you when you’ve failed to notice or act on your lack of alignment to your life’s purpose.
Let’s look at the whole “karma/dharma” situation for a second.
Dharma is your soul’s purpose in life. Karma is what happens when you stray too far from your Dharma.
The soul will utilize Miss Karma to deliver you gentle nudges at first, maybe in the form of an unexpected warning thought, a lower vibrational emotion like frustration, or an uncomfortable situation—something to bring your attention to the fact that something is off.
If you fail to notice those gentle nudges, she’ll push a little bit harder.
She’ll have you fuck up royally at that job you keep saying you hate. She’ll cause a massive fight in that relationship you said you were going to get out of. She’ll have you lose all of that money you were so scared to lose.
And if you fail to notice those massive signposts that say in all caps, “YOU ARE NOT IN ALIGNMENT, TURN BACK NOW”…. Guess what!?
It’s gonna get even worse!
That’s how karma works.
Enter: R O C K - B O T T O M
This is where everything falls apart.
You’re fired from your job, your significant other cheats on you, you break your arm, and someone keys your car. All in the same week.
Now sweet human, Miss Karma didn’t do these things to be mean or malicious. She did it because of how much she loves you, and how much potential she sees in you. She’s been sending you very gentle warning signs for quite a while, you just haven’t noticed them. So she had to get louder and louder and louder until she’s shrieking in your face with a megaphone and you’re practically deaf.
You were too far out of alignment from your dharma, your life’s purpose, and now you’re at rock-bottom. You’re angry, you’re lost, you’re sad… you can’t seem to figure out why the universe hates you so much.
Here’s the good thing about rock-bottoms…….. you’re at the bottom. The only way to go is up.
And when you’re lying there on the dirty, sticky floor that is rock-bottom, looking at the fiery mess that once was your life still smoldering all around you, you have two options:
a) You can lay there, never get up and choose to die, reincarnate and go through it all again until you learn your lessons or
b) You can surrender to the higher power trying it’s very best to communicate with you and be curious what about that life you were living was so out of alignment, and what true alignment IS for you
When I look back at what was going on in my life at the time of that dark night of the soul a few years ago, it’s so glaringly obvious how mal-aligned I really was to my life's purpose, which is what I’m doing now with Soul Magic.
I was in college for a major I didn’t care about or even like at all, working a job I couldn’t stand, I was seeing a guy who treated me like actual leaky garbage, I was filling my body with booze and weed and nutritionally absent foods and I was spending my free time with people that reinforced my terrible habits.
Of course I had to end up at rock-bottom.
I had forgotten who I was.
I had no love for myself.
I had gone so off course and had missed so many karmic red flags, that my Soul, my Self, had no other option but to make all of it ignite, explode, and burn.
But that rock-bottom finally got me to wake up. Self knew what it was doing. I had finally reached my breaking point.
I didn’t want to die, and I sure as hell didn’t want to feel the way I was feeling any longer. It was finally time to ask for help.
I ended up seeing a psychiatrist, was clinically diagnosed and given an antidepressant.
Once the clouds started to clear a bit, I was able to see how everything in that life I was living was simply wrong and I began to understand why everything had to fall apart.
I stopped seeing that guy, I took up a fine arts minor, I started working on my body and I committed to always chasing what makes me feel good.
That rock-bottom is what sparked the entire magnificent inner journey that has led me to where I am today.
From that point on so much more changed that I obviously can’t fit in here, and it’s been a “5 steps forward 2 steps back” kind of path, but I now have a deep honor and respect for dark days and dense emotions and I have learned so much that I now have the sacred privilege of sharing with my clients.
When I encounter a tough day or I’m feeling some sort of lower vibrational emotion like frustration or agitation, I now KNOW that there is something for me to become aware of that I haven’t yet.
I know there is something to learn, that there is something for me to alchemize.
Dark days and dense emotions are a signpost for me to recalibrate on my own before Miss Karma does it for me.
How do I recalibrate on my own?
After much trial and error and futile arguments from my formerly restless ego, I’ve got a nice formula I can now follow.
I do still occasionally have to battle the ego but I now know that whenever I sit my ass down and meditate, everything shifts. Whenever I move my energy to focus on a high vibrational book or teaching, everything shifts.
I know that sounds simple but it is. The hardest part is actually doing it. How many times have you forced yourself to sit down and meditate when you're in a bad mood? Hm?
Meditation has become the most important aspect of my life.
It’s where I go to learn, to cleanse, to grow, to gather information and where I go to create.
And I know that if you’ve never meditated before this can sound like a daunting or unrealistic path, or maybe you’re rolling your eyes thinking about how everyone and their mother says to meditate to fix all your problems, but trust me... I used to be a never-meditator. If I can do it, you can do it, and I am right here just WAITING to hold your hand through the process because it really and truly will fix just about anything.
The keys to life exist inside yourself. You can quote me on that.
Every time you enter into your inner world through an altered brainwave state, whether that be through meditation or hypnosis, you are able to access the vast wisdom of the subconscious mind. That is where the keys lay “hidden”, covered by the dirt and debris that is the limited conscious mind.
The more time and energy you spend focusing on your external environment and bitching about how the world is out to get you, though, the more separation you’ll perceive from your true essence which is Source, of course.
The more time you spend focusing on the cruddiness of your external environment, the more you will resonate with a victim-mentality. The more you resonate with a victim-mentality, the more your external reality will shift to match that resonance of victimhood through the Law of Attraction, thus rendering more and more self-fulfilled-prophetic-nightmares into your waking life.
However, when you shut off your external environment with a blindfold and some headphones, and when you overcome the protests of the body and the ego and force yourself (at first) to sit in meditation with an intention to learn or understand what lessons you’ve been missing, everything will make sense.
I’m going to do another blog at some point all based on the power of intention but for now all you need to know is that when you lay a clear intention on a meditation before you start, the subconscious mind will receive that intention as an “order” and will fulfill it for you during the meditation.
I know that this is a lot to ask for a lot of you who may not be too familiar with meditation or the other spiritual/esoteric practices I preach, so if that’s you, or even if you are familiar and just want to expand your practice into new levels, reach out. I am currently open for 1:1 sessions.
And if you’re really looking for a massive overhaul of your entire mind and life I highly suggest looking into the Soul Magic 3 Month Intensive. Check out the link to see if it feels like the right fit for you.
Learning how to make the tough days not so tough through the simple curiosity of how I’ve drifted off course has been a tremendous gift that I’ve given myself.
I look back at that anxious, lost, depressed version of myself and I send her so much love, compassion and guidance.
I’ve been antidepressant-free for many years now, I love who I am through and through (which feels SO good to say) and I am fulfilled every single day by following my Dharma with an open heart and an open mind.
I know what that past version of Kate was going through wasn’t easy, but I wouldn’t be here writing this blog post right now if it weren’t for her.
I hope that this post was mildly inspiring or even just engaging. I am intending to do my best to be honest and transparent with you guys from this point forward and not sugarcoat the shit we have to go through in our true spiritual journey and self evolution. My only wish is to serve, and if sharing my most vulnerable parts serves even one person, I’m living my Dharma.
The last thought I’ll leave you with is this: I want you to think about the fact that your future self is sitting somewhere cheering you on, just like I am now with my old self. They adore you. They are so proud of you. And they are just waiting for you to do the inner work and become them.
Sending you strength, courage, and enough love to clear away any leaky garbage stains,